By John Clark
So you’re not famous yet and thinking about moving to LA to become a comedian? Good for you. I am sure you are going to do well and all your dreams will come true.
Here’s a real quick guide to ease your journey to fame and fortune.
How comedy works in LA…
Don’t worry about being funny. Most comedians in LA aren’t. Being funny in Los Angeles can actually be a hindrance to your career. You see here in the land of milk and honey, it is important that you not have a sense of how to write or tell a joke but rather how to force your brand of unfunny on everyone.
The best thing you can do is to arrive in the city completely soulless. This will put you ahead of the game and on the right track for your life in the city of angels. Look, why worry about actual jokes when you can join in the gigantic circle jerk that is the Los Angeles comedy scene. Seriously, just start telling untalented people that they are funny and you can’t wait to work with them. Then, when you run your own shows you can trade spots with each other. If you jiggle the balls this should set you apart from the competition and send you on your way to stardom.
If you can, get a job at the Improv… this way you can try to eliminate the funny people, while whoring your way on shows and making sure you talk shit about anyone who is better than you. Plus, you can put up all your friends on Tuesday and insure that they will always owe you. Don’t worry, you will have a ton of people all over your jock telling you you’re a genius… putting you in there blogs, god it’s going to be great. It will be swell by golly.
So you’re not famous yet and thinking about moving to LA to become a comedian? Good for you. I am sure you are going to do well and all your dreams will come true.
Here’s a real quick guide to ease your journey to fame and fortune.
How comedy works in LA…
Don’t worry about being funny. Most comedians in LA aren’t. Being funny in Los Angeles can actually be a hindrance to your career. You see here in the land of milk and honey, it is important that you not have a sense of how to write or tell a joke but rather how to force your brand of unfunny on everyone.
The best thing you can do is to arrive in the city completely soulless. This will put you ahead of the game and on the right track for your life in the city of angels. Look, why worry about actual jokes when you can join in the gigantic circle jerk that is the Los Angeles comedy scene. Seriously, just start telling untalented people that they are funny and you can’t wait to work with them. Then, when you run your own shows you can trade spots with each other. If you jiggle the balls this should set you apart from the competition and send you on your way to stardom.
If you can, get a job at the Improv… this way you can try to eliminate the funny people, while whoring your way on shows and making sure you talk shit about anyone who is better than you. Plus, you can put up all your friends on Tuesday and insure that they will always owe you. Don’t worry, you will have a ton of people all over your jock telling you you’re a genius… putting you in there blogs, god it’s going to be great. It will be swell by golly.
If your not pretty enough for the Improv, or not Asian or jewish enough for The Laugh Factory, maybe you can work at the Comedy Store but, be careful, you may fuck up and learn something about comedy. Heck, if they like you at “The Store,” they may turn you into a joke telling monster, a soulless monster that cares about no one. But at least you’ll be telling jokes.
If the big three stonewall you there is always the HaHa café. I have never figured out the café part but I am sure Jack will throw you on. Make sure you bring friends and five bucks.
Speaking of bringing friends, why don’t you start your on bringer show. No scratch that… start your own bringer empire. Equipped with website, open mics, main stage shows, m-bar shows, go ahead… do it up… bringer, bringer, bringer. This way you can do the same 8 minutes of killer comedy. Be careful not to attempt anything new though; don’t want to mess with perfection.
By the way, if you are a woman use your vagina like they use an easy pass back east. A clitoris equals stage time in this town but make sure you are a real bitch. Force your way on to stages everywhere because honestly, who else has a va jay jay? Use it wisely and you can skip the entire being funny thing.
Remember, why work on your jokes when you can ban together with other shitty comics and make your dreams come true? You just want to be famous anyway and as soon as you’re on TV, you can drop this silly little stand up thing.
Make sure you have a few friends that are funny though. This way you can follow them around and get stage time from their connections. Then when you break through you can toss them aside. Remember you don’t need your soul, much less friends. This is LA, baby.
Also, post all your shitty shows all over facebook. Doesn’t matter if it’s an open mic, this is the big time baby and you’ve made it. If you post enough of these glorious shows your friends and family back home may think you is a star. Hell, if you keep doing it, you might even believe your own hype, which is perfect for LaLa Land.
By the way, if you can bake there is a unique niche in LA for you. Bring cookies, cupcakes or brownies. You can sell them at the shows and trade them for stage time. Everyone’s hungry.
When you come to LA one of the smartest things you can do is get your medical marijuana card. Then you can go to your local dispensary and buy your way on stage one gram at a time. You would be amazed at how far this can get you… a lot farther than your jokes in certain places. Seriously don’t forget this one.
Oh yeah, here’s a good one. Maybe you can start your own internet comedy blog/podcast. Try doing this after you have been doing comedy for about six months because really, that is all it takes to learn the intricacies of stand up. It’s not like it’s an art. This way people will think you know what you’re talking about and the people who want you to write about them might even take you seriously.
Don’t forget, there are a lot of different cliques of comedians in the greater Los Angeles area. Find one and stick with it. What ever you do, don’t move outside of your comfort zone. You’ve just about figured how to make this group laugh so stay with them. After all, when you do comedy across this great land of ours, they will all be just like your comfortable cozy little group of hipsters, posers and up and comers.
Finally, you should definitely care what certain people think of you. Particular when it comes to the people that make the decisions at the big three. They will never lead you astray. They are perfect and have never passed on any good comics. So please, listen to their cryptic words and nonsensical ramblings. Make sure that they become your God. After all, there is no God here so why not make one in the form of a human being who can get you a Friday night gig in the Belly Room.
So good luck and enjoy your stay here in lovely Los Angeles or just move to New York.
John Clark is a stand up comedian who lives in Los Angeles and is originally from the east coast. He is a regular at The Laugh Factory and performs all over the country in colleges, clubs and any place they will hand him a microphone. He can be seen on “Walker, Texas Ranger” with the acting tour de force, Chuck Norris amongst other television and film appearances.
Visit his website today, JohnClarkComedy.com
If the big three stonewall you there is always the HaHa café. I have never figured out the café part but I am sure Jack will throw you on. Make sure you bring friends and five bucks.
Speaking of bringing friends, why don’t you start your on bringer show. No scratch that… start your own bringer empire. Equipped with website, open mics, main stage shows, m-bar shows, go ahead… do it up… bringer, bringer, bringer. This way you can do the same 8 minutes of killer comedy. Be careful not to attempt anything new though; don’t want to mess with perfection.
By the way, if you are a woman use your vagina like they use an easy pass back east. A clitoris equals stage time in this town but make sure you are a real bitch. Force your way on to stages everywhere because honestly, who else has a va jay jay? Use it wisely and you can skip the entire being funny thing.
Remember, why work on your jokes when you can ban together with other shitty comics and make your dreams come true? You just want to be famous anyway and as soon as you’re on TV, you can drop this silly little stand up thing.
Make sure you have a few friends that are funny though. This way you can follow them around and get stage time from their connections. Then when you break through you can toss them aside. Remember you don’t need your soul, much less friends. This is LA, baby.
Also, post all your shitty shows all over facebook. Doesn’t matter if it’s an open mic, this is the big time baby and you’ve made it. If you post enough of these glorious shows your friends and family back home may think you is a star. Hell, if you keep doing it, you might even believe your own hype, which is perfect for LaLa Land.
By the way, if you can bake there is a unique niche in LA for you. Bring cookies, cupcakes or brownies. You can sell them at the shows and trade them for stage time. Everyone’s hungry.
When you come to LA one of the smartest things you can do is get your medical marijuana card. Then you can go to your local dispensary and buy your way on stage one gram at a time. You would be amazed at how far this can get you… a lot farther than your jokes in certain places. Seriously don’t forget this one.
Oh yeah, here’s a good one. Maybe you can start your own internet comedy blog/podcast. Try doing this after you have been doing comedy for about six months because really, that is all it takes to learn the intricacies of stand up. It’s not like it’s an art. This way people will think you know what you’re talking about and the people who want you to write about them might even take you seriously.
Don’t forget, there are a lot of different cliques of comedians in the greater Los Angeles area. Find one and stick with it. What ever you do, don’t move outside of your comfort zone. You’ve just about figured how to make this group laugh so stay with them. After all, when you do comedy across this great land of ours, they will all be just like your comfortable cozy little group of hipsters, posers and up and comers.
Finally, you should definitely care what certain people think of you. Particular when it comes to the people that make the decisions at the big three. They will never lead you astray. They are perfect and have never passed on any good comics. So please, listen to their cryptic words and nonsensical ramblings. Make sure that they become your God. After all, there is no God here so why not make one in the form of a human being who can get you a Friday night gig in the Belly Room.
So good luck and enjoy your stay here in lovely Los Angeles or just move to New York.
John Clark is a stand up comedian who lives in Los Angeles and is originally from the east coast. He is a regular at The Laugh Factory and performs all over the country in colleges, clubs and any place they will hand him a microphone. He can be seen on “Walker, Texas Ranger” with the acting tour de force, Chuck Norris amongst other television and film appearances.
Visit his website today, JohnClarkComedy.com
RSS Feed
